Some Sort of Abuse

Sunday, October 22, 2017

SOME SORT OF ABUSE I once wrote a poem entitled, Some Sort of Abuse, but the words I’m about to share are neither prolific nor poetic in nature. I was exposed to Domestic Abuse as a young girl. I witnessed my mom, who started out as a very young mom, endure hardships of trying to raise 3 children and maintain a steady relationship so that those children could have a viable father-type figure in the home. I was told she was emotionally abused my by biological father. I witnessed the physical and emotional abuse by my stepfather. I didn’t always say much, but to me, it felt like I was always trying to pump a little more strength and worth into my mother with phrases like, “you don’t have to take that...” “you are beautiful...” “you deserve somebody who’s going to treat you right...” “you’re a creation of God...” “you were better, things were better, when you weren’t with that man...” etc. etc. etc. I wanted [still want] what’s best for her. I didn’t know what my words meant to my mom or if she remembers anything I ever said or wrote in a card; but those words are still true. Mama, you are worth it. You deserve better. You don’t have to take that OR settle OR give up OR cry. It’s going to be okay. I may have never been hit or shoved, or feared for my life (maybe I did a little) or felt hatred in my heart towards another human being (okay, that’s a lie), but I should have ate the very words I was spitting out at her. One reason is because I do believe the statistics are true: 
Females who were exposed to their parent’s [parental figures’] domestic violence as adolescents are significantly more likely to become victims of dating violence than daughters of nonviolent parents.
I was a part of the 45% of teens who have been pressured to have intercourse or oral sex. I’ve been emotionally abused. I’ve been told I would never find anyone better, who would treat me better and manipulated me into engaging in intercourse disguised as youngsters in love. As an adult, I’ve been coerced and threatened by a partner that they would get me pregnant. I remember having to take Plan B pills after each encounter where I was strangled during sex while my arms were pinned down so I couldn’t move when they threatened to and even ejaculated in me. I often blamed myself for being treated this way. Even more so, felt the guilt for enjoying something, meant for the marriage bed.
I was never beaten, but was made to have forceful sex, when I was clearly saying no.

Intimate partner violence is about power and control and not always physical; yet, I thought my experiences were normal and if I wasn’t coming out with a black eye or busted lip I was just in sin, not in a domestic violence relationship. 
My ego was more bruised than my body.
To cope with the dysfunctional home and family violence as a child, I resorted to the viewing of pornography, beginning at age 12 and carrying on into adulthood [yes, women get caught in that sin too]; which helped me, (so I thought), to assuage youthful sexual desires that I could not shut off. To deal with being rejected, I flirted to update my worth and get attention while suppressing my bitterness at God for not providing me with a healthy relationship. 
So does that make me a victim? As I type the words, I would say, yes. Does it make me weak, NO! But, if you are together for years, shouldn’t you just accept that this is how it’s going to be? That he’ll call you names and force behaviors onto you; and you can just ignore the insults and grow to accept the forcefulness?? Umm, no. Well, if you invited them over to your house, didn’t you ask for that to happen? No, again. And by the way, no means no, no matter how the situation came about. Whether it was physical, psychological, sexual, financial, or the threats to destroy property, domestic violence has been and is real for me.
Melanie, “you don’t have to take that...” “you are beautiful...” “you deserve somebody who’s going to treat you right...” “you’re a creation of God...” “you were better, things were better, when you weren’t with that man...or those men...”
It’s going to be okay.”I cannot believe I’ve survived it. Better yet, I cannot believe I’m still surviving domestic violence.
In Peace,

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